The Greater Wrench of Solomon the King
Gear up, O my son Rodney, for the beginning of our Wrench is to fear God, to adore Him, to honour Him with our lust for Speed.When, therefore,
thou desirest to have knowledge of the MechanicalArts and Sciences, it is necessary to have prepared the order of hoursand of days,
without the operation of which thou canst repair nothing; but if thou observeth them with diligence thou mayst easily and thoroughly arrive at the repair and destination which thou desirest to attain.
In the days and hours of Saturn thou canst perform repairs of the lower end, of the crankshaft and bearings, and of the head, and the valves thereof. Also repairs to the brakes; for this restriction unto our speed may not be made otherwise.
The days and hours of Jupiter are proper for bodywork, especially that of the sacred hammer and dolly, but take heed that if hot lead be used, it appurtaineth not to Jupiter, but to Saturn. Also paint work be of Jupiter.
The days and hours of Mars are best for repairs to the exhaust system, and of the front end alignment. For it is by the Justice and balance of the sword that we should align our suspension accordingly.
The days and hours of the Sun are proper for operations of the carburetor, and of the fuel system generally. And this shall also include the timing and the spark plugs. Know also that the major transplant of one engine unto another shall be of the Sun, since the engine is in truth the very heart of the Car.
The days and hours of Venus are best for repairs to upholstery, and for repair and polish of chrome and of the wheel covers.
The days and hours of Mercury are proper for repairs to he electrical system, yea, be it unto the charging system or the ignition. For the fickle ways of electricity may not be mastered unless it be under the auspicious conditions of Mercury.
The days and hours of the Moon are best for maintenance of the tires, for they are round and flexible, yet upon the tires is the very foundation of our Ride.
In the days and hours of Saturn thou canst perform repairs of the lower end, of the crankshaft and bearings, and of the head, and the valves thereof. Also repairs to the brakes; for this restriction unto our speed may not be made otherwise.
The days and hours of Jupiter are proper for bodywork, especially that of the sacred hammer and dolly, but take heed that if hot lead be used, it appurtaineth not to Jupiter, but to Saturn. Also paint work be of Jupiter.
The days and hours of Mars are best for repairs to the exhaust system, and of the front end alignment. For it is by the Justice and balance of the sword that we should align our suspension accordingly.
The days and hours of the Sun are proper for operations of the carburetor, and of the fuel system generally. And this shall also include the timing and the spark plugs. Know also that the major transplant of one engine unto another shall be of the Sun, since the engine is in truth the very heart of the Car.
The days and hours of Venus are best for repairs to upholstery, and for repair and polish of chrome and of the wheel covers.
The days and hours of Mercury are proper for repairs to he electrical system, yea, be it unto the charging system or the ignition. For the fickle ways of electricity may not be mastered unless it be under the auspicious conditions of Mercury.
The days and hours of the Moon are best for maintenance of the tires, for they are round and flexible, yet upon the tires is the very foundation of our Ride.
Of the Instruments of the Art
The Wrench should be cast of purest steel which the Adept shall
have smelted himself, of iron ore mined from consecrated ground
upon the Spring Equinox at dawn. And he shall recite over it this
prayer: "O Lord most powerful, most wise, and most Fast, we beseech
thee that thou dost bless this Wrench of Meckanical Art, that we may with thy great good guidance may turn Bolt and Nut, to the glory of thine ineffable
Frame. Amen."
The Screwdriver should be ground by hand from case-hardened iron, and the handle should be orange or blue high-impact plastic, upon which is graven the following characters in the Aramaic: "Blessed art thou, O Lord, unto the streets and the highways, forever and ever and ever, Amen."
The Visegrips shall be bought at the hardware store. And the the type shall be of the true and proper type which releaseth outwards, and not the type which releaseth inwards, pinching the fingers of the Adept and causing him to throw them to the ground, uttering great blasphemous curses, for that this is a great iniquity unto the Lord.
The Jack shall be of the true hydraulic type, and the oil thereof shall be as follows: take four parts almond oil, add thereto one part oil of galangal, two parts oil of myrrh, and one part WD-40. And this oil shall form a thin coating which lubricateth and protecteth, covering the Adept and his tools, anointing him and making him holy before the Lord.
The Screwdriver should be ground by hand from case-hardened iron, and the handle should be orange or blue high-impact plastic, upon which is graven the following characters in the Aramaic: "Blessed art thou, O Lord, unto the streets and the highways, forever and ever and ever, Amen."
The Visegrips shall be bought at the hardware store. And the the type shall be of the true and proper type which releaseth outwards, and not the type which releaseth inwards, pinching the fingers of the Adept and causing him to throw them to the ground, uttering great blasphemous curses, for that this is a great iniquity unto the Lord.
The Jack shall be of the true hydraulic type, and the oil thereof shall be as follows: take four parts almond oil, add thereto one part oil of galangal, two parts oil of myrrh, and one part WD-40. And this oil shall form a thin coating which lubricateth and protecteth, covering the Adept and his tools, anointing him and making him holy before the Lord.
Prayer and Conjuration
When we enter herein with all humility, let God Almighty enter
into this Garage, by the entrance of an eternal happiness, of a
Divine repairedness, of an abundant good tune, and of an eternal
speed. Let all the demons fly from this place, especially those of
excessive wear and of breakdown. Sanctify, O Lord, our humble
vehicle herein, Thou the Blessed and Holy Speedster of all Eternity!
Amen.
Stronger and More Potent Conjuration
O Lord, hear my prayer, and let the ills of breakdown and
disrepair leave this our Vehicle. For we have laboured long and hard
unto these ends, that by our speed and handling may thy glories be
manifest upon earth. Remove from us the signs of wear, of metal
fatigue, of rust. Let it be that the nut turneth freely upon the bolt,
and the old part slide easily off, and the new part be found to fit
easily back on the first time. Let not the small part roll under the car,
or away entirely. And let us not drop the socket into the intake
manifold. Amen.
If this conjuration be yet not successful, another yet more powerful conjuration may be used, as follows:
An Extremely Potent Conjuration
O Lord most potent! Most Wise and most Fast! We beseech
thee who laboreth unstintingly upon thy streets of glory that this our
vehicle may yet come to life once more! Abandon us not in this our hour of
tribulation and of confusion! Show unto us the problem which we have so
long troubleshot! Reveal unto us the way all the little parts fit back
together! Let thy Divine strength enter unto these our hands that we may
get the parts to fit correctly where it seemeth impossible!
Let the rain stop so that we may work in peace, in dry clothes, with a little light to see by. Let our hair not get caught in the wheels of the creeper any more. And let that truck not run over our legs as we lie here under the car while working in the street. Amen
Let the rain stop so that we may work in peace, in dry clothes, with a little light to see by. Let our hair not get caught in the wheels of the creeper any more. And let that truck not run over our legs as we lie here under the car while working in the street. Amen
If this conjuration sufficeth not, it may be necessary to curse the recalcitrant spirit which possesseth thy vehicle, causing it not to run, as follows:
The Curse
Be ye cursed, damned, and eternally worn out, and be ye
eternally tormented with lack of lubrication and of rust, so that ye
find not a single moment of repose by night or by day, if ye not obey
immediately in the Name of He who maketh the streets to rumble,
who causeth fire and sleet to fall upon Detroit and Toledo; by these
names, and by virtue of these names, the which being named all
vehicles and all parts obey and tremble with fear and terror, and
which will utterly make you to rust, and to break, and to be left by the
side of the highway.
These names are: FORD, CHEVROLET, and CHRYSLER, along with these: CADILLAC and PONTIAC and BUICK; JEEP, WILLYS, NASH, and LAFAYETTE; DODGE, PLYMOUTH, DESOTO, STUDEBAKER and MOPAR; PACKARD, CORD, and GRAHAM; by NISSAN and DATSUN, HONDA and TOYOTA, by MG and GILBURN and INTERNATIONAL HARVESTER!!!
By these secret names we curse ye, we deprive ye of all office and dignity and place upon our vehicle which ye may have held until now, and by their virtue and power we relegate you unto a lake of used motor oil corrupted with dirty water and leaves, and caked with grease saturated with mud and filth and powder of worn asbestos brake linings, and unto the deepest depths of the Junk yard, that ye may rust and rot there and be forgotten even in the eyes of the Lord for ever
These names are: FORD, CHEVROLET, and CHRYSLER, along with these: CADILLAC and PONTIAC and BUICK; JEEP, WILLYS, NASH, and LAFAYETTE; DODGE, PLYMOUTH, DESOTO, STUDEBAKER and MOPAR; PACKARD, CORD, and GRAHAM; by NISSAN and DATSUN, HONDA and TOYOTA, by MG and GILBURN and INTERNATIONAL HARVESTER!!!
By these secret names we curse ye, we deprive ye of all office and dignity and place upon our vehicle which ye may have held until now, and by their virtue and power we relegate you unto a lake of used motor oil corrupted with dirty water and leaves, and caked with grease saturated with mud and filth and powder of worn asbestos brake linings, and unto the deepest depths of the Junk yard, that ye may rust and rot there and be forgotten even in the eyes of the Lord for ever
The License to Split
In the name of the Lord, let all spirits split in coolness, and
be ready always to come when I call, and to aid me in my repair. Amen.
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